Holland versus Italy

I recently reread the poem "Tulips in Holland", by Emily Perl Kingsley, an allegory for the experience of raising a child with a disability.  Just like every time I read it, it brought tears to my eyes.  Though the beauty of the poem and the power of the allegory make the poem amazing, they do not cause my tears.  What makes me cry is this profound truth, "The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss."  And painful it is.  I never once imagined watching my children suffer through mania and voices, having them isolated from their peers and envying "normal" families with their well adjusted, well behaved "perfect" outings.  The truth is, sometimes it is hard to see the bright side of mental illness because there is little brightness to be seen.  People who suffer from bipolar disorder have a higher rate of suicide than the general population, approved medications for childhood bipolar disorder have no long term impact studies, and the symptoms of both bipolar disorder and schizophrenia can often lead to risky or illegal behaviors.  Sometimes arriving in Holland instead of Italy doesn't mean just seeing different sights, it means that the sights you have to see are really unpleasant.  It is tough at times to keep any hope at all in the face of illnesses that are chronic, powerful and cause such disruption of daily life. 

So the best I can do is to search really hard for those darn tulips that the poem talks about.  Some days they jump out at me and some days I seem to search in vain.  Just when I am about to give up, my boys show me that there is joy in the hardest circumstances.  Today Ryan said hello to a teacher he did not know at his school open house.  Bryce made an apology card for his brother without any prompting.  Neither one had a meltdown and our evening was calm.  I got hugs and kisses from them both.  Those tulips look fantastic to me!